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5,000 Is My Magic Number


AnonyMouse_8466

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Mary and Bert, an old married couple make a pledge that whoever dies first will come back to let the other one know if there is an afterlife

Reminds me of Bert and Dave who have known each other since boyhood, played football together, took their sons to football together and now in retirement, they spend each Sunday afternoon in the park watching their grandsons playing football together.

 

They make a pact that whichever one of them dies first will send a message to the other saying whether they play football in heaven. Well one day Bert has a heart attack in the middle of a matach and sadly dies. The following week, whilst watching their grandsons play football as usual, Dave feels a breeze behind his left ear and hears "Dave! Dave!".

 

"Bert?" says Dave in amazement "you're really there?". "Yes" says Bert "and now my body is like it was when I was a teenager - arthritis is all gone and I'm fighting fit!". When his shock dies down Dave says "Bert - tell me quickly: is there football in heaven?".

 

"Well" says Bert "there's good news and bad news. The good news is that yes, there is a thriving football league in heaven".

 

"That's fantastic, Bert" says Dave "but what's the bad news?". "Well" says Bert "we've got a cup match on Tuesday and you're in goal!".

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HappyMaz I feel I should bring the bra theme into play!!!

 

I apologise now to anyone who may be offended by this joke, but I got it as a text today and thought it was funny!!!

 

A woman with tiny breasts goes into M & S and asks for a bra, size 32AAAA. They don't do anything that small.

She goes into La Senza and asks the same. They don't do that size.

 

After visiting several more shops without success, she storms into Debenhams, marches up to the lingerie section, pulls her top off and yells"DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR THESE?"

 

The assistants look at her and ask "Have you tried Clearasil?"

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Congratulations Maz on reaching your 5000th post!! What an achievement........and what a fab way to celebrate.....joke telling. xD

 

These have cheered me up no end as I've been feeling a bit miserable with yet another bout of flu and assignments coming out of my ears.

 

I almost wet myself reading mummyspud's clearasil joke..........if there's a prize for the funniest one this must be it. :(

 

Hopefully this thread will still be going by the time I can clear my head and think of one myself.

 

Well done again Maz and I look forward to the next 5000!!! :o

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The clearisil one's reminded me of another joke I love.

 

One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live any more. She went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.''

 

Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.''

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Guest MaryEMac

I'm sitting here crying with laughter. This is a brilliant way to celebrate, Maz.

This joke was told by my friends 3 yr old (he's now 22 and a father).

"What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?"

 

"A headbanger." :oxD:(

 

Mary

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What an excellent way to cheer us all up, well done on completing your 5000 postin

 

My 4 year old's first joke

 

What does a monkey use to toast his bread?

 

A gorilla!

 

This has since lead on to her making her own up unusual jokes :o

Edited by Guest
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My grandson aged 10 wanted to know what I was laughing about. I asked him for his favourite joke here goes:

 

Boy in class puts up his hand and asks if he can go to the toilet

 

Teacher replies 'not until you say the alphabet'

 

Boy 'a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z'

 

Teacher where's your p

 

Boy 'running down my leg now'!

 

Sunnyday

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My husband's contribution:

 

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA cup final.

 

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to hiim.

 

"No", he says, "the seat is empty".

 

"This is incredible!", said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

 

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first cup final we haven't been together since we got married."

 

"Oh......I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head.......

 

 

 

 

 

"No......They're all at the funeral....!!!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

:oxD:(

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I'm not very good with jokes. Being retired I don't get any from the children and I can't even remember any from the Christmas crackers! However, I've enjoyed reading everyone else's.

 

Well done, Maz, on your 5000 posts.

 

Gail

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OH was sent this today (It's his birthday!)

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

 

Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one

is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

 

No wonder men are happier.

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This is SO fantastic - I'm gonna read it to mine when he's free - he's just doing a brass rubbing type of thing on an old railway notice that a railway chum has just brought round to show him. sigh

As Ena Sharples said Cait: "There's nowt so queer as folk." Good job you love him! :o

Edited by HappyMaz
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