AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 A faith healer on tour goes to Liverpool and a young lad comes up on stage and says, “Can you help me with my hearing?” The healer cups the young lads ears in his hands and says “Bless this child, O Lord!” After a pause, he then asks the boy, “Any difference?” The boy replies, “Don’t know – haven't got it till next Wednesday.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Someone asked me if I'd ever seen the film “Rita, Sue and Bob Too”. I said I've never even see the first one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 A faith healer on tour goes to Liverpool and a young lad comes up on stage and says, “Can you help me with my hearing?” The healer cups the young lads ears in his hands and says “Bless this child, O Lord!” After a pause, he then asks the boy, “Any difference?” The boy replies, “Don’t know – haven't got it till next Wednesday.” That really made me chuckle......the thing I like about these sort of play on words is it takes a few minutes for my brain to compute and then I am giggling away......keep em coming one and all, we all need a bit of humour in our days! Another one form me; My friend has joined a Bondage Club in the East Midlands. He is tied up in Notts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 My grandad has the heart of a lion ........... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub. The landlord says....... "I can't let you in without a Thai." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 To be frank, I’d have to change my name Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I shaved off all the hair on my head yesterday. He wasn't too impressed and suspended me from school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Not really a play on words but I really like this but had to think for a minute before I 'got it'! A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get 6." The husband came back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asked , ”Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk!?” He said, "They had eggs." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Gezabel....you really are getting into the spirit now.....I better add another before you out-joke me!!! I said "Doctor Doctor I have lost the ability to shock people" he said "I'm not surprised" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I sent some abusive letters to some minority religious groups. I was caught and have now been placed on the sects offenders register. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Gezabel....you really are getting into the spirit now.....I better add another before you out-joke me!!! here's some more! I remember my first date. It was the most embarrassing experience of my life. Ended up in A&E after choking on the stone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I'm a much better fighter now that I have a black belt. I was completely hopeless when my trousers kept falling down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 here's some more! I remember my first date. It was the most embarrassing experience of my life. Ended up in A&E after choking on the stone. Quite brilliant!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Bargain! I found an iPhone under £60 yesterday, so I grabbed it .... AND the £60. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 At the checkout I asked, "Can I pay with my card?" She said, "Sure, what card have you got?" I said ........ "The 2 of clubs." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I've bought two 100 metre tickets for the 2012 Olympics. You should have seen the size of the envelope they came in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I've always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box but....... It's not great for my career as a goalkeeper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 My wife phoned me and said, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say." So I said nervously, "Go on..." She said..... "Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1999 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 It took a while, but I managed to get to a hundred at Lords today. The groundsman will have a fit when he sees all the tyre marks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Gezabel these are brilliant.....I am going to have to try harder..... 'The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat" - you have probably seen our posters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Two women have just come to the front door urging me not to eat white bread and telling me all about how I should convert to brown bread. I think they were Hovis Witnesses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueFinanceManager Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I bought a pair of 1950s reading glasses from a local antique shop - they cost £500. Clive said I had been ripped off. In retro-specs I made a poor decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_73 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Im not much good at this kind of humour as I often dont 'get' them So here goes.. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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