Settling In Child

[Guest terrydoo73]

We had a lovely little child start with us on Monday past - seems very sociable, chatty and happy. That was until mum and dad left and she went into hysterics. I mean screaming blue murder, crying and yelling for her mum to come back immediately - which of course we made sure she did! Then mum stayed until the end of the session, next day gran came and stayed with her the whole session and so it has continued all week - a different person every day basically and we know all the family now! Mum came back in on Friday and during snack mum moved just slightly away from the child and there was more hysterics again even though mum was clearly visible.

 

The child has moved around the room over the last week experimenting with nearly everything on offer but once other children come near her she moves back towards mum again who is only standing at her elbow!!

 

Mum is of the opinion she should withdraw her completely and try again in a few months time but we want her to stick with it. Child even asked to go to playgroup on Friday even though she was up during the night with a bad head cold!

 

We think grans and aunts will stick with our guidance but mum will not. She keeps asking us what to do about the situation and when things will improve.

 

It is having an effect on the other children in our setting - other parents are asking us now when the childs mum will stop staying as their own children have asked them the same question! Even some of our well settled children are now looking in to the playroom each morning to see if this child is there and are turning on their heel back out to their mum again - one even said to mum "you can stay too as X's mum stays every day!"

 

My own personal feeling is that however long it takes we have to stick with mum being there every day. To withdraw now will just set the child back to square one and we will have to go through the whole process all over again. Also giving in to her will let her see that what she wants happens rather than what is best for her personally. At this age she needs to learn to mix with her own age group and become more sociable - something we think she is quite capable of with all her chatter and confidence expressed so far. The fact that she is moving quite gradually away from just staying at one activity on the first day to nearly covering all the other areas by the fifth day.

 

Is there something we can do with the other children to reassure them too?

[AnonyMouse_3139]

Oh I remember those screams!

We would let mom or a carer stay as long as the little girl needed with all of us working to help her gain independence and confidence, slowly increasing the time mom was away from her side for. Your little girl sounds chatty and confident but thats with family members who she knows well, you're strangers to her.

We had upto 26 children so they didnt tend to notice really if someone stayed and we also had parent helpers when we could get them so a mom being there didnt make much difference, but if anyone did notice we just told the that child didnt know yet that mommy would be coming back so we should help her learn to play with us.

But occasionally we have accepted the child wont settle yet and the place has been deferred for a term or so and then tried again.

Has this child ever been left anywhere with anyone other than family or been to a stay and play?

[AnonyMouse_73]

I agree with Rea, I would let the mum stay for a while, if its in the best interests of the child. That's what the unique child is all about. As you say you have already seen some difference in this child in just a week. Gradually mum should be able to pop outside and make a drink, or sit in the far end of the room, or even pop to the shop for 10 mins.

 

regarding the other children, I find usually honesty is the best policy. I would say something like, xx really needs her mummy to be with her just now, or xx is finding it hard to be happy without her mummy. Sometimes this can result in a child wanting to become her 'buddy' and this can also help children to settle.

We used to encourage our parents to stay for a while, especially at the beginning of the year so it wasn't at all unusual to have parents stay at least for the first half hour. It was part of getting parents involved in what we did and seeing their children play.

Good luck

[AnonyMouse_15046]

I, too, would be encouraging the mother to stay until she and the child are ready for her to leave.

 

I wonder if the mother is suggesting that she tries again in a few months because she's not sure that she'll be welcome to stay for as long as it takes. Maybe she needs a little reassurance that you'll be guided by her.

 

Children are generally very accepting of the needs of others if they are explained to them honestly. I'd just let the others know that this little girl needs her mum to be with her at the moment and then quietly praise them for their own independence.

[AnonyMouse_1469]

I think you need to suggest that mum stays for a while, then leaves for a short while, building up the length of time she is away until she is gone for the whole session. This way, the child will begin to realise and accept that mummy goes away, but WILL return, just as all the other parents do. Mum could leave something behind for the child to look after, say a bunch of keys, or you could do a photo album of mum, dad etc anything that helps the child to realise that she isn't being abandoned!?Or perhaps suggest that mummy leaves her for half an hour, then comes to collect her and goes home...........so again, she realises mummy comes when it is home time, building up the length of time each day, say by an extra 15 minutes or half an hour?

We had a mum who was so anxious that she stayed for weeks, then when she finally did leave, it was to sit in the car park outside our building and if she heard any child crying when we were playing outside, she'd streak down to see what was going on! It only resolved when I explained that HER anxiety was making the child more anxious (after all, if mummy seems worried about leaving him,the child thinks there MUST be something to worry about?). I promised that i would call if he didn't settle by a certain time and kept my word, so mum leaarned to trust us. When it was time for her twin daughters to start with us, she used to chuck them in the door and smile, often telling us she was off for coffee in town.It was great!

I guess it's about building the trust. It IS ok for mum to stay, she can see how you are with all the children, not just hers,so it eases mum's worries too....................but she needs to be able to go and come back for the child to see that all is well too. Could you ask mum to try this next week, and promise to call her in half an hour, to let her know how the child is?

[Guest]

We are really flexible with how long parents stay to settle a child but I must admit we have never had a parent who has stayed for a whole session!

 

We have had a child who cried for 5 minutes every half an hour who was reassured by a visual timetable so that they knew that after a certain activity 'mummy will come'.

 

We have a child at the moment whose mum is still not sure 'that he will settle' sometimes parents need more reassurance than the child.

 

I agree with narnia about having a parent stay then leave for a while and come back. We have also had parents leave quickly but then come back early, sometimes it's the knowing that Mum will come back that is the important thing.

 

We also regularly call parents to reassure them in the early days, something you really can't do if the child is still screaming!

 

Rachel

[Guest pamgreen]

We allow parents to stay but we found staying for the whole session was too much. We have found that it is best for parent/child to stay no longer than an hour, its kind of reverse psychology what we want is the child to leave when they want to stay, and for us it has rally worked well. Gradually we build up the time the child stays. However sometimes (very rarely) a child may not be ready and it is best to acknowledge this and recommend that they have a break and start again later.

[Guest]

This is interesting. At the moment we are taking in and settling lots of new children, most of them 2 year olds. Some mums are insisting on staying for the whole session which is fine but is starting to get difficult as there is always more than one parent wanting to stay. Sometimes it feels like there are more adults than children! One child started around Feb/March time and although he did have a month off plus the 6 weeks, he has never settled without his mum and really cries and gets upset. He is 3. Mum doesn't seem to want to leave him either. It's as if they think it is a stay and play type session. The trouble with this situation though is that there is very limited English, so it is really difficult trying to communicate to both parent and child. I have suggested we try and move it forward now because I can't see this child ever settling whilst his mum is following him around.

[AnonyMouse_15046]

We allow parents to stay but we found staying for the whole session was too much. We have found that it is best for parent/child to stay no longer than an hour, its kind of reverse psychology what we want is the child to leave when they want to stay, and for us it has rally worked well. Gradually we build up the time the child stays. However sometimes (very rarely) a child may not be ready and it is best to acknowledge this and recommend that they have a break and start again later.

 

That's an approach I hadn't thought of. Hopefully this way the child leads the separation because at some point they choose to stay behind when the parent leaves. If they aren't ready they don't stay.

 

The more I think about that the better it sounds.

 

Does it work with your two-year-olds (if you have them)?

[Guest terrydoo73]

Thank you for your replies - I am still unsure what to do.

 

Perhaps we should suggest to mum to try this week and stay for just an hour with the child?

 

The problem with getting mum to come back after say an hour, which we have found has happened in the past, is that the other children will become cute to it and say "I want my mum to come for me now too". The question I have to ask in this instance is if every other child can stay for the full time why can this child not too?

 

The hysterics the child had last week was very difficult to deal with and that was all 3 of us working together. I was trying to ensure the other children were not alarmed by what was happening while my deputy was trying to calm the child down and distract her at the same time and the third member of staff didn't know what to do!

 

The child has another sibling at home - 6 months old hence mums problem with staying herself and therefore her suggestion to try again later on say 3 months time - she has to sort out childcare for the baby while she is with us. If she comes back in 3 months will it be any different or will it be like going through this all again?

 

Child has a granny who lives 2/3 doors away from her own house. Granny came with her and stayed one day last week for the whole session - she told my deputy that she has refused to stay with her in her house at any time without mum being there.

 

Other nanna came with her one day and that was because she stayed at nannas the night before and nanna promptly told us she had not gone to bed until 11.00.

 

This is what I guess I most object to - all these different people coming in with the child every day - talk about consistency!! Obviously we want the child to settle but we want it to work correctly ... I feel as Playgroup Leader I should be stepping in and taking the lead and my Deputy also wants me to decide what to do as she is starting to wonder if this is the correct procedure. Do I ask mum to try and come in every day knowing full well that she cannot because of the other sibling at home?

 

DO I say to the children every day "this is xxxx's nanna/granny/mum/aunt who is coming to Playgroup today to visit us". It is making us very self conscious of all that we do with the remaining children and whether we are ignoring this child simply because she has an adult looking after her - we are not forming any relationship with her and hence she is reliant on the usual adults she knows.

 

Nanna has been the one who has taken the child to toddlers group - the only interaction she has had with other children and only left her for a few minutes to get a cup of tea in another room.

 

We were also informed by her nanna that the child does not like little boys and we noticed this quite obviously with another little boy who had also started last week - she kept moving away from him or jumping when he came near. How will she be with the other boys in the Playgroup?

 

Is it time to call in our Development Officer or should we work this out ourselves!

 

So many questions and it is driving me nuts!

[Guest]

I don't understand what the problem is with the parent staying,my policy is to allow parents to stay as long and as often as they wish, after all it is their child and they are the ones paying. i have had parents stay for all session for as long as 6 weeks until both they and the child were ready to move on. I encourage them to come to my office and have a coffee so that they are close at hand if their child needs them and gradually they feel confident enough to leave for half an hour. We have to acknowledge that nursery is a big step for both child and parent and therefore have to be sensitive to both sets of needs, as a parent myself I was shut out of the settling in process and have never felt so isolated in my life and vowed that no parent at my setting would ever feel that they had been made to leave prematurely. In 20 years of running a preschool I have never had a child and parent who didn't settle in, happily, in there own time.

[AnonyMouse_15046]

I wonder if it would be better to wait a few months like the mother has suggested.

 

Once the baby is in childcare you can work together to plan a very gentle introduction only on days that the mother will be available.

 

Perhaps start with mother and child attending for half an hour a day, increasing it to an hour. You keep the arrangement going until the child is ready to stay behind when her mum leaves.

 

I don't think that stopping the process now is giving in or storing up problems for later. It sounds like this little one is very anxious about separation and, although the mother is doing her best, the arrangements are contributing to her daughter's anxiety.

[AnonyMouse_8466]

The question I have to ask in this instance is if every other child can stay for the full time why can this child not too?

There is no 'one size fits all approach' to settling children effectively, and so although many of the approaches suggested here have worked well for other children, this little girl's needs are different and it may take time to find the key to meeting those needs.

 

The problem with getting mum to come back after say an hour, which we have found has happened in the past, is that the other children will become cute to it and say "I want my mum to come for me now too".

Has this actually happened or is this what you think will happen? As others have said, children are pretty good at understanding when other children are upset or that different things happen when children are new to the nursery. This is going to happen many many times as new children join your group and there are many benefits to the whole group when parents or other carers stay in the setting during the 'getting to know you' period.

 

The hysterics the child had last week was very difficult to deal with and that was all 3 of us working together. I was trying to ensure the other children were not alarmed by what was happening while my deputy was trying to calm the child down and distract her at the same time and the third member of staff didn't know what to do!

It sounds to me like you need a plan of action for the days when this little girl attends, if mum decides to persevere. Is it always the same person who deals with her when she gets upset? These early traumas whilst being distressing, present an excellent opportunity to develop a close relationship between child and key person as the child gradually learns that she can experience periods of high emotion but can rely on her key person to be there for her, understand her feelings and help her come to terms with them. If the grown ups are confident to deal with the situation and keep everything else going, children will understand that these feelings are normal and will develop empathy towards the distressed child.

 

It is making us very self conscious of all that we do with the remaining children and whether we are ignoring this child simply because she has an adult looking after her - we are not forming any relationship with her and hence she is reliant on the usual adults she knows.

Perhaps it would be a good idea, if mum decides to continue, that you reach some kind of agreement about how you will proceed during the settling period when mum or nanna is there. You need to form a good relationship with the child but the parents/carers are an important part of that process. Sally Thomas says that children need a protective 'umbrella' over their heads which is made up of their favourite adults getting on well with the setting staff. Hard to explain, but put your arms over your head in an arch, interlock your fingers and there you have it. One arm/hand represents you in the setting, the other is the child's parents/carers. If the child can see that there is mutual respect and approval then they will begin to see that nursery is a good place to be - an important part of the process of becoming separate from their parents for short periods in a place they feel comfortable with.

 

So I think you need to agree who will do what, and how mum or nanna will help the little girl get involved with the experiences and activities you have on offer. They can act as a bridge between the child and your team and then to other children.

 

My final question is why does mum have to find childcare for her baby in order to settle their older child with you? I wonder if this is causing additional stress for mum which might be communicating itself to her daughter?

 

Ultimately mum may decide not to continue at this point. The problem with this might be that the difficulties this little girl has experienced will be the defining memory of her time with you rather than any of the lovely things you do, or the great resources you have on offer. This has only happened to me once, but when the child was subsequently ready for nursery, mum chose not to send the child back to us because she associated us with those unhappy memories. The child settled much more effectively at a later date, and never looked back.

 

Good luck with whatever happens. I'm sure you'll keep us posted as to progress!

[AnonyMouse_8466]

Oh and one more thing. Pen Green ask parents/carers to stay with their child for the first month at an absolute minimum, attending every session alongside their child in the same attendance pattern as they have registered their child for. I remember one of their practitioners telling me that most people don't see the benefit of doing it immediately, but that no-one has ever regretted the time they spent getting to know the setting with their child.

[Guest terrydoo73]

Need to point out a few things - we are not nursery but a 2 1/2 hours playgroup session for children who have turned 3 and will stay with us until they reach school age so it could be say 2 years in total depending on birthday. If a child turns 3 between September and December we are allowed to start them in during September if the child is ready for it. However after December the child must wait until their birthday but this year we are full so will have no other new starts. Hence my reluctance with the child waiting until say January - we have all of the rest settled and then this child comes back and we have to focus on her.

 

Mum does not need professional childcare for the baby but does need to be there for the child to be fed, changed etc etc. Dad works so she will have to leave this baby with someone either a grandparent or other relative. I am thinking about her in this process as there is the problem of having to sort this out as well as trying to work with her older child. One of the reasons she wanted the older child to start with us is that she could be mixing with her own age group and give mum time to bond with new baby.

 

Child was sick today so didn't come to playgroup.

 

I have caused hell on earth with my deputy today by mentioning this whole subject again and am really in the doghouse. I want to reach an agreement with my deputy but she feels I am not agreeing with her last week and going back on what we decided on Friday although she was the one who really wanted to seek advice as she felt unsure about how long we should be giving this child and another adult to be coming in. I am the Leader here and yet I appear to be bullying her into deciding on a tactic. Now we appear to be back to square one because the child will have had 3 days away from the Playgroup and it will be like resettling all over again.

 

Yes I agree with someone staying with the child - I am not disputing that in one way.

 

What I am disputing is who it is every day - to me the child doesn't normally stay with granny so why is she staying with her at Playgroup. Surely we need consistency here or am I being thick raising the whole issue of different strangers in the Playgroup each day which we have to explain to the rest of the children attending.

 

Also I am getting the impression that the child is dictating how it will be at Playgroup ie mums stay with me when I go here so what happens when we try to tell her that this is not the way it is.

 

My deputy is her key worker - should I just back away and let her devise the plan of action for this child and no-one else? She couldn't handle the hysteria last week with screaming and crying and shouting "I want my mummy" and asked me to get mum back. Should I have said "no you deal with it" and not allow mum back. This is the question my deputy is asking me now. She is also saying that we should not have said to the mum, granny, nanna, auntie etc that they could stay. I am backtracking according to her.

 

I just cannot seem to win whatever way I look at it. No much wonder I had a sleepless night last night going over and over this in my head. You could have cut the atmosphere in the Playgroup with a knife today as my deputy was extremely disappointed with me.

[AnonyMouse_3735]

good advice form Maz...

 

 

something Maz said rang a bell.. in these circumstances if there was a younger sibling we allowed them to come in with mum, she was responsible for the child all the time but it did mean she could come in as much as needed with the child we were trying to settle..

 

it was beneficial to all and helped no end... (also helped with the younger one who usually came to us later )

 

 

and we never had any other child complain or comment negatively and they always understood when we explained that not all were the same and children had different needs... more problems arose from a hysterical child setting off another one ... we also found a good relationship with the parents was important... they had to trust us and we had to listen to them... not always the easiest thing to achieve... but the child benefited from it.

[AnonyMouse_8466]

Hence my reluctance with the child waiting until say January - we have all of the rest settled and then this child comes back and we have to focus on her.

Personally I have always found it much easier to cope when it is just the one child needing support through extreme separation anxiety. I remember back in the day when I worked in a much bigger setting those dreadful days at the beginning of term when we'd have perhaps three or four newbies all finding it really difficult to say goodbye to mum!

 

Mum does not need professional childcare for the baby but does need to be there for the child to be fed, changed etc etc. Dad works so she will have to leave this baby with someone either a grandparent or other relative.

Why can't the younger baby come to playgroup with mum and his/her big sister?

 

I have caused hell on earth with my deputy today by mentioning this whole subject again and am really in the doghouse. I want to reach an agreement with my deputy but she feels I am not agreeing with her last week and going back on what we decided on Friday although she was the one who really wanted to seek advice as she felt unsure about how long we should be giving this child and another adult to be coming in. I am the Leader here and yet I appear to be bullying her into deciding on a tactic.

Without knowing what you agreed to on Friday it is hard to know how to respond to this. However I would say that your priority must be to supporting this little girl and her family to make a successful transition from home to playgroup. As the Leader you are responsible for everything that goes on in your Playgroup and as such you have a duty to make sure you are supporting children appropriately. This will mean ensuring the team are working consistently to a pre-agreed plan. You don't have to stick to the plan forever, just long enough to give it your full attention and every opportunity to work. If there is tension within the team vulnerable children will pick up on this and it can only make it more difficult for the child to develop a secure and trusting bond with her key person and with the staff more generally.

 

What I am disputing is who it is every day - to me the child doesn't normally stay with granny so why is she staying with her at Playgroup. Surely we need consistency here or am I being thick raising the whole issue of different strangers in the Playgroup each day which we have to explain to the rest of the children attending.

This can be part of the arrangement you make with mum if you feel strongly that only one adult should be settling the child into Playgroup. In the past when one parent has found it difficult to manage the child's separation anxieties we have suggested that grandma, dad or a close friend brings them to nursery instead. Some children find it easier to say goodbye at home when they are leaving with another trusted adult rather than at the setting where they might not know everyone. We have generally found that once the child is more settled, the original parent can then drop off at nursery without problems. The only other thing I would say is that although they are strangers initially, once the child is settled these family members will be just as familiar to the other children in your group as her mum would be.

 

Also I am getting the impression that the child is dictating how it will be at Playgroup ie mums stay with me when I go here so what happens when we try to tell her that this is not the way it is.

Have you ever been unsure of yourself in certain social situations and needed to take measures to make yourself feel more confident or more comfortable? I'm thinking maybe having a magazine to read in a cafe whilst having a coffee so that you don't feel so conspicuous sitting there on your own? Or asking a friend to go to a party with you so that you won't have to make small talk with people you don't know? Perhaps for this little girl having her mum there is the ultimate comfort blanket? Given time she'll be able to move away more and more readily from her mum and be drawn into the wonderful activities and experiences you can offer her. Gradually she'll be able to say goodbye to mum and be ready to attend on her own. If you can see this as developmentally appropriate behaviour and not some kind of power struggle it might help you to see the wood for the trees.

 

My deputy is her key worker - should I just back away and let her devise the plan of action for this child and no-one else? She couldn't handle the hysteria last week with screaming and crying and shouting "I want my mummy" and asked me to get mum back. Should I have said "no you deal with it" and not allow mum back. This is the question my deputy is asking me now. She is also saying that we should not have said to the mum, granny, nanna, auntie etc that they could stay. I am backtracking according to her.

You said it yourself earlier in the post. You are the Playgroup leader and you need to find a way to support your deputy to effectively support her key child's emotional development. When is your next staff meeting? Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to develop a plan of attack so that everyone knows what is expected of them, and the measures that will be taken to help this little girl settle into your Playgroup. It seems to me that your Deputy seizes on any uncertainty on your part and will exploit it. She sounds quite insecure to me, and probably needs you to be more authoratitive than she would like to admit!

 

I just cannot seem to win whatever way I look at it. No much wonder I had a sleepless night last night going over and over this in my head. You could have cut the atmosphere in the Playgroup with a knife today as my deputy was extremely disappointed with me.

You are bending over backwards to think of the best approach for dealing with this little girl's distress and this does you credit. You have had to reflect so closely on your own practice and that of your team. However your staff have to behave professionally and you cannot afford to have your team at each others' throats. I think that, without their being addressed soon, these tensions will reveal themselves whenever your Playgroup faces a challenge because it seems to me that your Deputy's disappointment in you always surfaces at some point when you describe things that are going on in your group!

 

Keep telling yourself that you're doing a good job and that you have the children's needs at heart. If you do seek support from your Development Worker, perhaps you could ask for help in methods you could use to bond your team together and assert your authority!

[Guest]

Hi, I have not had a chance to read all the answers to this so forgive me if I repeat things

 

But we have had 2 similar situations, both dealt with differently. One was a girl who had not settled at all at a different preschool and mum had had to stay every session, and really wanted to begin to be able to leave her. So we tried working backwards, she dropped her off 20 minutes before the end of the first session (after home visits etc) and the girl did get upset, but then mum came back to collect her with all the other parents/carers so she could see that she would get picked up. Over a week we gradually increased it by 5 minutes, until she was coming for 1.5 hours. We stuck at that for a while, and then mum started bringing her for 2.5 hours, and now she attends five mornings, 3 hours each and is fine.

 

We tried this with another boy this term, but he had been to school to drop of brothers etc, then got home, and when mum suggested coming back out to go to preschool he really didn't want to. So we went the other way, he came for 45 mins at start, mum went, then came back and collected him. (even though he was actually doing ok) we did this for a week, calling mum to extend it slightly up to an hour and half, and by the end of the week he was looking like he really didn't want to go home so early, and now comes for the full session each day.

 

HTH

[AnonyMouse_19782]

I love the first suggestion - I will try to remember that one for future reference - dim as I can be that would never have occurred to me, we have only ever done your second option.

[Guest]

I love the first suggestion - I will try to remember that one for future reference - dim as I can be that would never have occurred to me, we have only ever done your second option.

 

I only thought of it after going on SEN training for writing ILP's. They talked about backwards chaining and starting with the end result, and while I was discussing settling the little girl a few weeks later it suddenly dawned in me to try it that way!

[AnonyMouse_3307]

Oh and one more thing. Pen Green ask parents/carers to stay with their child for the first month at an absolute minimum, attending every session alongside their child in the same attendance pattern as they have registered their child for. I remember one of their practitioners telling me that most people don't see the benefit of doing it immediately, but that no-one has ever regretted the time they spent getting to know the setting with their child.

 

Curious - What do working parents do in that case??

[AnonyMouse_8466]

Curious - What do working parents do in that case??

Well whoever usually looks after the child comes in and settles them in. So it could be a childminder (although of course there would be challenges here assuming they had other children on their books) or granny or the au pair or whoever the child's important adults were.

 

If there was a variety of people caring for the child then they would attend as appropriate on their allotted day.

[Guest terrydoo73]

I am revisiting this as I want to let you know how we are getting on.

 

Child comes in with nanna, gets the coat off and immediately says "you're staying with me?" Nanna reluctantly comes in and hovers around the door. Child initially will not play but asks nanna for hand and gets upset (ie tears etc) if doesn't get it. Result - will not play with anything. Yesterday this child had to leave as it created such a fuss around half way through complaining of sore stomach and being tired so we thought if it is genuine sickness better leave us and perhaps we wouldn't see her again for a few days but no she was back today. Today my Deputy went over to speak to nanna when she came in the door and there were floods of tears from the little one with her shouting "you don't leave me nanna". Deputy was only asking how she was feeling now and did get down to the child's level once the tears had stopped to ask her but it just started up again. Needless to say both myself and Deputy are feeling like what is the resolution to this and when are we every going to see a change in her. We have some concerns over the fact that child is not being put to bed at appropriate time but this is not our place to be saying anything like this?

[AnonyMouse_73]

Have you considered the suggestion Claire made of getting her to come later in the session but staying until the end? That way she gets to see other children's parents coming back for them as well as her own and her tears will only be short lived is you build up slowly backwards. Nana could stay with her for say an hour (even less if necessary) to start with building up more slowly until nana can leave her for a bit (popping to the shops or whatever).

 

This way you get over the fact that she may be going to bed late, she will start later. Plus also the session comes to a finite end so no wondering should we let her go now or not?

[Guest]

Have to say in our setting we tend to say bring the child in and reassure them for say 5 mins then kiss cuddle and leave. The child( if they scream and go crazy) we do our best to comfort and settle and suggest to the parent they leave them for 10 mins 1st time then come back to get them, next week 20 mins, next week 30 etc until it builds up. Another thing we have found works well is for mummy to leave her bag or keys or coat and go "for a cup of tea" outside as they leave the child. Having that object of comfort the child is usually quite reassured that Mummy will return because she needs her keys/bag/coat etc!

Having parents stay all session we have found unsettles the rest of the children, with children who are usually fine getting upset and wanting their mummies, so we ask parents to try one of the above.

[Guest]

In this situation I usually encourage the parents to leave straight away but come back after say ten minutes so the child gets used to the fact mum will go but she will return, then extend the time mum goes for gradually depending on how distressed the child is when mum leaves and whether she starts to calm down. I feel the thing with mum staying is that then the child never gets used to the parent leaving and returning so it just prolonges it.

 

 

We had a lovely little child start with us on Monday past - seems very sociable, chatty and happy. That was until mum and dad left and she went into hysterics. I mean screaming blue murder, crying and yelling for her mum to come back immediately - which of course we made sure she did! Then mum stayed until the end of the session, next day gran came and stayed with her the whole session and so it has continued all week - a different person every day basically and we know all the family now! Mum came back in on Friday and during snack mum moved just slightly away from the child and there was more hysterics again even though mum was clearly visible.

 

The child has moved around the room over the last week experimenting with nearly everything on offer but once other children come near her she moves back towards mum again who is only standing at her elbow!!

 

Mum is of the opinion she should withdraw her completely and try again in a few months time but we want her to stick with it. Child even asked to go to playgroup on Friday even though she was up during the night with a bad head cold!

 

We think grans and aunts will stick with our guidance but mum will not. She keeps asking us what to do about the situation and when things will improve.

 

It is having an effect on the other children in our setting - other parents are asking us now when the childs mum will stop staying as their own children have asked them the same question! Even some of our well settled children are now looking in to the playroom each morning to see if this child is there and are turning on their heel back out to their mum again - one even said to mum "you can stay too as X's mum stays every day!"

 

My own personal feeling is that however long it takes we have to stick with mum being there every day. To withdraw now will just set the child back to square one and we will have to go through the whole process all over again. Also giving in to her will let her see that what she wants happens rather than what is best for her personally. At this age she needs to learn to mix with her own age group and become more sociable - something we think she is quite capable of with all her chatter and confidence expressed so far. The fact that she is moving quite gradually away from just staying at one activity on the first day to nearly covering all the other areas by the fifth day.

 

Is there something we can do with the other children to reassure them too?

[AnonyMouse_37030]

when we did EYFS training we were all sent into a big room and then told we couldnt sit next to or near anyone we knew....we then had to pick up a piece of paper from under our chairs and on it was written a task....(some very complex)....just as people were beginning to get really worried...they told us to stop and reminded us that this is how each child feels when they come into a setting...not knowing anyone being told what to do and how to do and often being asked to do things they have no knowledge of....it was a salutory lesson I can tell you!

[Guest]

You need to urgently start building a relationship with this child. If the mum is there, you'll have to include the mum too - speak to each in turn while playing (and if the mum is just standing around and appearing to supervise what you are doing, give her a job!) A budding relationship between you and the mum should give the child increasingly levels of trust in you. I must say, there is a lot to be said to encouraging the mum to bring the baby, as that will automatically get her attention divided, and may well provide interest for the other children too! The older girl may turn more and more to you for attention. Don't forget, this whole thing may well have more to do with the new baby being at home with mum, while she is sent off to nursery, than all the other things put together.

 

As far as your deputy is concerned, this sounds all too familiar. Don't forget that you don't have much choice but to be in charge, and to do your best for the child. If that means decisions need to be reversed, adapted, changed at every step to meet changes in the child's circumstances, and reactions at the time, that's normal. It would be highly unprofessional to make a decision and "stick with it", ignoring its effects on the child's emotional well-being. You certainly need not "step back" because you are not the key person - particularly if, as I read between the lines, you are a small setting, and all children will eventually build relationships with all staff anyway. You need to model to your deputy good practice, and that will probably include playing with the child (and her trusted adult), sharing information, including other children, and most of all, adapting to the circumstances. Send the message that you are doing your best for the child, and the staff will soon be on board! Good luck!

[Guest terrydoo73]

Mum has been coming with this child after we asked her last week to keep it consistent rather than having different people coming in each day. Unfortunately the baby had to go into hospital yesterday and today for tests so that is why nanna was there. I know for a fact that this child knew nothing about these trips to hospital.

 

How can we build a relationship with the child if when we talk to her she goes into hysterics immediately and I mean immediately - today was such a case in point. We remarked that her nerves must be completely shot or something.

 

On another posting I asked the question about a child with a broken arm coming to our setting - this will probably mean more one to one for him and for this child it means one to one too. You can understand our dilemma in that the third person is a volunteer who has no previous experience or qualification in childcare so we cannot honestly be sure we are giving our attention to all of the remaining 10 children at the same time!

 

We did ask nanna to leave one day for 10 minutes last week and it took quite a few moments before the child realised she was away but then the next day mum was asked to repeat the process but instead of returning after 10 minutes she didn't return for half an hour by which time the child was totally fraught. Now if we are seen to be talking to nanna or mum the child seems to be very aware and reacts quite quickly.

[AnonyMouse_15046]

If you ask for the child and the carer (mum or nana)to come in for a short time at the end of the session that should reduce your staffing difficulties as well as helping the child to see the end of session routine where all the mummies arrive.

 

You need to make sure that when anyone leaves a child with you they tell the child they are leaving, say goodbye and tell the child when they will return. Allowing a parent/carer to sneak out unnoticed will simply increase the child's anxiety.

 

I would suggest that you take control of this by arranging for the carer to stay and telling the child that this is happening. Then maybe she'll be able to get over her anxiety enough to relax and play and allow you to communicate with the mother/grandmother without becoming hysterical.

 

If you can wait for the child to be comfortable enough with being left to suggest it herself that would probably be most helpful. If you decide that you can't do that make sure the child knows well beforehand exactly what will be happening and when, using a sand timer/visual timetable to aid her understanding.