Very long Settling in period - child fine, but parent reluctant to leave

[AnonyMouse_38752]

Hi everyone,

I would love some support around an issue we have. We have a very liberal settling in policy, we do home visits, at least 3 settling in sessions, more if needed, and we generally have an open door policy during our settling in period. However... we have a 4 year old child who started with us back in April and the mother is still staying for up to an hour after dropping them off. We have had various meetings with her, but she is following a 'child-led' approach, meaning she asks her child every day: "can I go now or do you want me to stay longer?" Well, guess what the child replies. When she does leave, he is absolutely fine, he has built strong relationships with his keyperson and the other staff.

Mum comes across at quite forceful, most staff are a bit scared of her. When we broached the subject of her leaving earlier, she got quite aggressive, suggesting we are not meeting her child's emotional needs. . She has already made one (unrelated) complaint, so we are all a bit wary of her. We do of course want to support the family, meet mum's need too, but the keyperson feels they cannot do their job properly with mum hanging around for so long. She also feels that mum is observing the staff and judging our interactions with the other children. Once or twice, she commented negatively on the way staff had handled a disagreement between some children.

We know from her history that she has tried two settings before us and both times did not stay long. On a different, but related note, if she spends significant amounts of time at the setting, sometimes interacting with the other children, shouldn't she need a DBS check?!

Sorry this got longer than intended. I would love some word of advice. I have asked for another meeting and what I would like to say to mum is that she needs to decide whether she trusts us enough to leave her child in our care and if so she needs to leave after a few minutes, like all the other parents. And if she does not, then maybe we are not the right setting for her? it feels harsh, but I don't know what else to try.

[SueFinanceManager]

Hi Poppy

In the nursery where I worked we had a child that took a long time to settle and a mum who stayed on site.

We used to encourage her to try and be in a different room from her child (we were lucky enough to have 3 different rooms) so if we took the child into the carpeted playroom we would suggest mum stayed in what we called the sunroom colouring or reading books with other children etc

She was encouraged to help with washing up in the kitchen after snack so again we could interact with the child without her.

By letting her see, well hear that when he was in another room he was not distraught and howling she finally got the idea he was fine and settled but our parent was more approachable than your parent sounds.

It sounds as if it is the mum that is having separation anxiety not the child sadly and she will need to be handled gently as maybe her anxiety is making her a bit spiky...sometime when we feel a bit vulnerable we come out swinging 🤷‍♀️

Sue x

[Helen]

It's a tricky one, isn't it? But if your professional opinion is that the child has now settled happily into the setting, then there is no need for his mum to stay longer than the usual drop off that other parents do. I'd start saying things like...'like the parents of all the other children'....'so it's not confusing for the children (including yours!) that you stay, but none of the other parents do' etc etc. I really like your idea of asking her if she trusts you sufficiently- that forces her hand and it will come to a conclusion one way or the other. The fact that the little boy has been with you since April strongly suggests that she is happy with your provision.

It might help if you agreed to video her son 20 minutes after she's left, (do you use an online journal?) to reassure her that he is happy and busy learning and playing.

Maybe say that you'd like to gradually reduce her time now- half an hour for this week, 15 minutes next. Good luck and let us know how you get on. Remember, you're the expert and you're the one in charge. 🙂

[AnonyMouse_8282]

Good avice already given, but it has reminded me of when we had similar -

In our case it was a much wanted IVF child aged 4, in the end we suggested they helped out in the kitchen washing up etc- well it turned out one session of washing and drying 26 cups and plates soon had them leaving quickly!

Could you try the reverse to child settling process  - as getting mum to leave for 15 mins, then 30 etc?  This works for us as we are in a park with a cafe within miuntes 'waving' distance, so sending them there works well as they still feel close by.

[AnonyMouse_30128]

Really tricky when we don't know the nuance of the situation...but going on what you say The child should be settled if they started in April but Mums attendance may now be delaying his development of his independence and social skills as he will feel unable to form bonds and friendships when she is there to support him. I like the idea of a planned removal 30 minutes/15/5 etc i would also think this might be causing you issues with the other children too? (where's my mummy??) 

I have in the past had to do the these are my rules....do you trust me? is your child happy ? then stay and comply or find somewhere else...

A dbs may be a chance for you to get rid?!? I require you to have a full DBS if you are going to stay...suspect she may have an issue with that too! 

just remember you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time!

[AnonyMouse_19762]

Hi Poppy

Some great advice above

What is the mum doing while she is in the setting?

I wouldn't be happy if she is interacting with other children, also have you had a conversation with her about confidentiality? I wouldn't be happy if she is observing and then discussing other children with goodness knows who...

I like the idea of asking if she trusts you - if not she really needs to 'move on' - kind of crazy that the child is not a 'new starter' and she still wants to be there with you

Good luck with it all

[AnonyMouse_8282]

On 15/09/2023 at 16:39, sunnyday said:

What is the mum doing while she is in the setting?

This has reminded me we once had a parent that was trying to ride one of the trikes during her child's settling session!  To be fair she was very young mum.

[AnonyMouse_38752]

Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement. The meeting is tonight. I have sent the parents a message, outlining what we will talk about, to make her feel less anxious. The father is now unable to come, as he has to look after the child (they don't seem to have any friends or family to look after the child, which in itself is telling), so mum has told us she wants to record the meeting. I feel really uncomfortable about this and have told her we would prefer she did not, but have asked another staff member to come in just to take detailed minutes so dad feels included. Wish me luck! I may well be back on here tomorrow for a de-brief...

 

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[AnonyMouse_38752]

On 15/09/2023 at 20:27, louby loo said:

This has reminded me we once had a parent that was trying to ride one of the trikes during her child's settling session!  To be fair she was very young mum.

When we first openend, we let parents come into the setting for a chat at pickup every night. There was one dad who loved our swings and would sometimes play on them while we tidied up : )

[Helen]

Good luck, Poppy! You're doing everything right- and I wouldn't want the meeting recorded either. 🙂

[AnonyMouse_8282]

Hope it goes well for you Poppy.

[AnonyMouse_19762]

Good luck from me too (and no way Jose would I have the meeting recorded) - do let us know how you get on

[SueFinanceManager]

@Poppy33 keep thinking of you and wondering how it all went....hoping that no news is good news 🙏🤞🙏

[AnonyMouse_38752]

Hi everyone,

so the meeting went really well in the end. To begin with, it was tense, but as we talked mum relaxed and even opened up about the struggles she has getting her child out of the house. We ended up talking for almost 2 hrs! and agreed an action plan, which so far is not working too badly. They now arrive much earlier, she still stays for 20minutes (ish), but it's progress in the right direction. Thanks again for 'listening' to my worries. Great to know there is this supportive community out here : )

[SueFinanceManager]

Ahh that is fab news @Poppy33 

So pleased you have come to a better understanding and that can only help you, her and the child moving forward 😊

Best wishes,

Sue 

[AnonyMouse_30128]

great news ....well done for pushing forward. 😉