AnonyMouse_6541 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist? What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a paranoid schizophrenic? The schizophrenic only thinks everyone hates them. What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a haddock? One is wet and slippery, and the other's a fish. What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a bank robber? None. Once they have done their jobs, they get away as quickly as they can, leaving devastation behind them. What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a soldier? The soldier jumps to orders and the inspector jumps to conclusions. What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a plastic surgeon? Well, the plastic surgeon tucks features..... What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a baby's nappy? None. They both contain an inexhaustible supply of the same thing. What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a serial killer? The serial killer works to a method. What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a politician? No-one has the faintest idea how OFSTED inspectors are chosen --------------------------------- How many OFSTED inspectors does it take to change a light-bulb? Three. One to write a report criticizing the teaching staff for not foreseeing the bulb's demise, one to claim for twenty times the bulb's actual cost on their expenses, and one to bribe a Year 3 kid to change it for them. --------------------------------------- Notice on the Pearly Gates: 'Inland Revenue, OFSTED and traffic wardens, apply below' ------------------------ Thirty days hath September, April, June and November, All the rest hath thirty-one, Excepting February alone, Twenty-eight days it hath - 'twas said, Now under review by OFSTED --------------------------- What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a Rottweiler? Pick your choice from; You can have a Rottweiler put down, a Rottweiler has only one face, a Rottweiler doesn't smile just before it attacks or a Rottweiler is a lot less aggressive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_6541 Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 (edited) 20 things you shouldn't say to an OFSTED inspector: 'Do you mind cleaning the sink out for me?' 'Don't sit there, you imbecile.' 'Look, these pants were clean on this morning.' 'I've arranged for you to perform "Stand up, Clap Hands, Shout Thank-you Lord" in assembly' 'That's quite an arse you've got there.' 'Would you like to see our Gerbil's genitals, they're enormous!' 'If you can find my planning, you can look at it.' 'Numeracy hour? No you've lost me I'm afraid.' 'I think you'll find that it's perfectly acceptable to do the plenary at the beginning of the lesson.' 'Ah, I'm glad you got here before me, otherwise this lot would have been unsupervised.' 'Me and you on the front playground, NOW!' 'No you cannot look in the children's draws, you filthy man!' 'Yes I know it may look like a WHSmith poster, but the children happen to be very good at art actually.' 'I find that if the children swear at you, swearing right back at them puts you in control again.' 'Welcome to life-drawing class. Pop your clothes on the chair.' 'You talking to me? You talking to me? Well I don't see anybody else here...' 'Alright Mr.Cleverdick, you take the bloody Home Economics class.' 'Would you mind just holding this electric fire and this bucket of water for me. Yes, that's right, we're doing Science.' 'Do you take cyanide, er.. sugar in your coffee?' 'So, how many people did you have to sleep with to get this job?' Just wanted to add to the list.... "Am i bovvered tho...I aint bovvered!!" Edited June 6, 2007 by alis2son Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_705 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Absolutely brilliant, had me in stitches. Humour really is the best medicine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_6541 Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 The true meanings behind popular Ofsted phrases "Generally satisfactory" actually means "I forgot to make notes" "A significant minority" actually means "I couldn't be bothered to count them" "The head teacher is unclear in his approach" actually means "The headteacher is a complete waste of space" "Ably assisted by..." actually means "Covered up for by..." "The headteacher is supported very ably by the highly professional deputy" actually means "I am having an affair with the deputy" "The children need to exhibit more control during Design Technology lessons" actually means "No holds bared hacksaw fights are to be discouraged" "The school building is in significant need of repair" actually means "I've seen better decorated allotments" "The links between PE and science are particularly strong" actually means "The PE teacher is clearly sleeping with the English teacher" "The site management suffers from a lack of on-site skill and professionalism" actually means "The caretaker is a neanderthal, knuckle-scraping baboon" "The children in 4C are learning at a slower rate than the rest of the school" actually means "The children in 4C called me an old tart" "The choir are not yet singing in key" actually means "The choir sound like a pack of hyenas giving birth" "The general appearance of the staff needs to be improved" actually means "The geography teacher had a tattoo of a bull-dog across the chest, a skin-head and heavy pit boots. The children were clearly frightened by her" "A more balanced dietary regime needs to be developed at lunchtimes" actually means "Half a cup of lemonade and a Pot Noodle does not make a school meal" "The sex education lesson was very informative" actually means "Ah! So that's how you do it!" "Poor quality display work" actually means work which the children actually produced themselves "The RE lessons were acceptable" actually means "Jesus shmeesus!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tinkerbell Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 You girls do make me laugh! Just spent the evening doing reports and peeked in before bed! Thank you! ps I got the 'ably assisted by....as my Ht went off on a school trip on the second day of the inspection!!!! I think it was because I kept the inspector topped up with coffee all day Tinkerbellx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MaryEMac Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Keep 'em coming, they're priceless. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_1027 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 fantastic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_705 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I'm going to print off the 30 days has September one to see if our inspector has a sense of humour, when they eventually turn up. I love the - if you can find my planning, you can look at it! Going to practice - No you've lost me I'm afraid! Operational Plan? No you've lost me I'm afraid. Children's records.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_7317 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 very good we had Ofsted in today I am sure the inspector would have appreciated those she was lovely. Shelley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 You just made my day. We were inspected last year and the only mention I got was that the (part time) head teacher was ably assisted by the teacher in charge (me). Thanks I feel much better Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Have had quite enough of Ofsted for a while - 1 malicious unfounded complaint last week = 2 inspectors for 2 hours / 1 pre registration inspection for a minder who'll be working with me today = 1 inspector for 2 1/2 hours ..... house has been through the mill, carpets never been as clean and thank goodness I cleaned the loo upstairs - she was on it twice!!! Jokes cheered me up a treat! Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 They are great - you should publish a book with them all in - I am sure it would sell extremely well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Love the jokes - cheered me up after an AWFUL few days. However, must say when we were inspected - our OFSTED inspector was fantastic - Being a new nursery it was our first 6 month inspection - care only - and we got Good in all areas, her report reads like an advertisement for our nursery - she was friendly and ..dare i say it...helpful! Can I ask though - does this mean that we will get another inspection within 3 years as we were only inspected on Care and not Care and Education? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnonyMouse_6541 Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 Glad to cheer everyone up Have to say ive been on both sides of it, we have had an extremely nice and helpful inspector who we now contact whenever we have a problem, poor woman. and one who we would prefer never to see again as nothing personal but its better to question us when we are on hand than to presume and write it up! and also the same inspector had different views to what the b23 curriculum promoted and so we ended up with a snide comment in the report. Just goes to show though, you cant win! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 Fantastic. Will store these up ready for the next dreaded visit It might just stop everyone feeling totally suicidal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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